It's been a long ride dear Reader. Your MexiCAN friend is exhausted in many ways, yet I wonder if this is just the meds, post radiation s/e, or just growing old & bitter.
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| Aging like a fine vinegar |
It's hard not to look back and wonder "what-if". Especially as I stretch into the golden years, better known as AARP lunch-meat. Nonetheless, here I am. Heading into 2025 with zero resolutions, other than to just enjoy the present and realize that I'm alive. It's been a while reconciling that fact. I feel a constant anger in my basement. Something that I quite haven't brought to surface for fear of exposing my family to the lingering resentment I quite can't really define. Resentment to living? Or feeling the obligation to live on so that others can continue living up to their status-quo?
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| similar fire, but not quite this prophetic |
It's especially hard when you see other cancer patients living their "journey" by contributing to humanity by feeding the homeless or climbing Machu Picchu, expecting to find God thru Instagram posts. Me? I don't give a fuck at all about any of that shit. But I highly feel a sense of obligation in making sure my family is covered as much as possible after my demise. And that's certainly defined my cancer journey.
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| Yay Cancer!!! #machupichufeedingtribessnickers |
I've been at this for almost eight years: Chemo, radiation, immunotherapy, hip replacement and 5 clinical trials. Yet, the biggest issue has been keeping myself mentally stable to ensure the welfare of my family. Trying to keep the norms has been the biggest fucking burden on me. But recently my daughters have noticed the chinks in my armor, and weirdly enough I'm embarrassed by that. They're realizing that their Superman is mortal, and has anger.
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| Best comic EVAR, I might add |
It's tough, especially as my oldest is reaching her teens. She's coming into her own persona, and the last thing I want to be is an weak/unsuitable father. I know, seems extreme. But I want the best for both of them, and I often wonder if it's best to fade away as opposed to continually expose them to this resentment.The unnatural resentment for being forced to live so they can be OK.
Jesus, what a concept.
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| Holy Toast!!! |
Maybe I'm just rambling after taking 3 shots of Don Julio Reserva. It's already 2 am and have nothing better to do other than to put my thoughts into writing as I listen to the Xanadu soundtrack.
Happy 2025, I guess...
