The unbearable likeness of being

Welcome to 2023, where new beginnings are measured by old resolutions. I've traveled the world 7 years of cancer treatments, only to realize I'm the same fucking shmuck. What I mean is that I thought Cancer was supposed to be some magic pill to evolve me. Like the red pill Neo took to wake up. I discovered that my TRUTH was only a man desperate to ensure his family would be OK after his demise.

Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates?

 No secret guardian angel message, no secret to life uncovered, no insight to the secret meaning of life. Just a bunch of expectations to fulfill a  hidden goal, measured in dollars that would ensure the continued survival of my bloodline. Boilerplate life. Fuck, this sounds depressing. 

But I hope my sincere words come across. The stress endured to secure my family has been evident since my first child was born in 2012, but the stress has compounded since I was first DX in 2016. And, if I may be frank, I thought I'd be dead by now. Really. I did not think I'd be alive in 2023, and this has certainly complicated things. 

How? Well, that's the rub. Since I didn't plan to live this long I had "cancelled" my life goals in 2016 and figured I'd work at my job until the end. But I'm still here. Seven years later, and I've reignited that hunger to achieve those old goals. Now, I just need to convince myself that I still got it. That I'm worthy.

Silly, I know. But I was raised catholic, and this is a huge wall to crack before I can accept this concept. Mental concept.

I accept where I stand. Cancer ain't a bitch. I've faced Death. No one can EVER understand that. The ultimate Craps table, where the Natural abounds. But I need to rebuild my confidence as that Man that has those silly stories I'd hope to pitch as animated projects, or write that children's book that's been living in my mind. Or perhaps, just be that example of a courageous spirit that did not quit.

I fucking love this scene.