Getting a catastrophic disease is much more than the physical bodily reactions that come with the pain & discomfort. My mental stability seems like it's reaching a tipping point to where I just want to stop "fighting". And not that I am fighting anything major. I've seen many cancer patients at Ceders that look like they've been thru the grinder (and then some), yet I still am maintaining my cherubby look thanks to the steroids & anti-seizure meds. Still, I keep convincing myself that all of this suffering is actually due to a reason. That I am going-thru-this to evolve into a better person that will eventually help the world, or bring forth some sort of positive result thanks to the trails of pain I've been thru. But this all seems like bull-shit.
As humans we tend to desire some sort of justification for what we go thru. Whether we deserve it, earn it, or simply say it's "God's-will", we tend to feel that there is some sort of energy that guides us into precarious situations that are meant to teach us something, and that's how I've been feeling these last 18 months. Especially the last three dealing with this brain tumor metastasis, brain radiation, and clinical trails... but now it looks like none of this even fucking mattered.
Back in October when it was discovered that the Opdivo was no longer working it was suggested by another Oncologist to get a new biopsy of my tumor to determine any new mutations. This would help determine how this cancer would be evolving, and hence discover what would be the best trail available. Well, the biopsy did not happen, so November-December-January was spent mostly treating the brain tumors, getting roid rage and being mind-full of suicidal thoughts (med side-effects)...
https://csn.cancer.org/node/308922
But last week, my trail Onc decided on having me take a new blood-test that was state-of-the-art to check for cancer mutations in my blood. Apparently, it has upwards of an 75% positive results in identifying the cancer and its current state.
https://newatlas.com/cancer-blood-test-dna-mutations/50936/
Well, I got those results yesterday and it was deemed that the cancer I have is a rare form of non-small cell LC (about 1% of lung cancer patients have it) called ROS-1, AND that there is already an FDA approved pill to treat it.
AN FDA APPROVED PILL TO TREAT IT...
Xalcori Pill
My Onc continued to state that this pill has about a 65-70% success rate in cancer remission for about 14 months, which means I may actually catch the last season of Game of Thrones, but Jesus I can't help but be irritated over this latest news.
Sure, leave it to me to be a curmudgeon and look a gift horse in the mouth, but why the fuck did I not get this cancer blood test done back in October? Having gone thru all of this bull shit, being rejected for the trails, getting on the steroids and putting my family thru all of the aggravation due to my mental/spiritual sanity? What was the REASON for all of this?
FUCKING SIGH...
Yes, I am comforted that I may not have to go thru any trails and put my body into any form of precarious situation. But one thing that was counting on was that insurance would have covered all expenses 100%. Now I have to see if this new pill is covered (or what my copay may be) since the cost could be within the thousands per month. Even Chemo/Immunotherapy sessions were up there, about 50K per month. Hey, in hindsight I've reached my goal of manifesting One Million dollars!!! Except they went up my arm.
Yes, yes, yes... better news all around. But the mind fuck is real...
So is this:
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fonc.2017.00208/full
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