Bringing it home...

October 18, 2017:

Onc: "The latest PET scan shows that the tumor has returned to your upper left lung lobe, and it's also spread to one of your lymph nodes & sternum"
Me: "Fuck..."
Onc: "Unfortunately we'll now need to stop the Opdivo since it seems it is no longer effective in treating your condition"
Me: "What are my options now?" More Radiation? Back to regular Chemotherapy?"
Onc: "Well, we can't really go back to standard Chemo since you've been on Immunotherapy for the last nine months. And Radiation is only optional if you have major pain, and it wouldn't really make a difference... perhaps a clinical trail..."
Me: "Fuck..."

I left the Oncologist's office defeated. Here I was expecting better results after a good length of time on a med that seemed to be working. Now I was back to square one. I called Polly and wept. It was as if the whole battle I fought the last 14 months was worthless. The fatigue, the irritability, the side effects, everything that I had done to my body was worth nothing. I got myself into a semi-depression...

The next day I flew to Vegas for a scheduled company trip that I had not planned attending. But under the insistence of my wife I decided to go and cheer myself up by going on an all-night bender. And it worked, for a bit.

I returned home feeling in-limbo, but ultimately contacted the Clinical Trials department at Ceders, as well as City of Hope. Up until this point I had been depending on my Oncologist to determine the next steps, but now I was to take the bull by the horns and determine what is available to me for my current status.

And by the end of October I luckily was allocated a spot for an upcoming trail at Ceders. Good news I thought! Since I had been without any sort of meds for almost one month and was getting concerned that the tumor was continuing to spread. And then...

October 28, 2017. Out of the Frying pan and into the Fire:

I was visiting my parents in San Diego when I began to feel a strange sensation in my hands as if there was a loss-of-control, a weakness.  I shrugged it off thinking it was withdrawals after being one month off of Opdivo. Now, I had not revealed to my parents the latest results from the PET scan, nor did I say I was heading into clinical trails. Hell, I hadn't even mentioned that this was a malignant cancerous tumor all along. I thought by keeping them from the seriousness of my illness I was protecting them from any worries about my health. Then the Pandora's box exploded:

All of a sudden I felt the left side of my face go numb. "Holy Christ!" I thought. "I'm having a stroke"! I was quickly transported to the nearest ER, where I was given the standard stroke-test (pulling fingers, repeating words, checking vitals, etc). It was determined that I had not suffered a stroke but it would be necessary to get checked and ensure what was going on. With all the confusion, I broke down and finally confessed to my folks the sudden down-turn in my health. The results of the latest PET scan, the tumor spreading, the clinical trails...

October 28, 2017. Out of the Fire and into Brimstone:

Still in the ER, I received a CT scan of my Chest & MRI of my brain to determine what was the cause of the numbness felt earlier in the day. The results said it all: The tumor had spread into my brain, and was causing swelling in the areas where they were colonizing.

Me: "They...?"
ER Doc: "You have more than one tumor there..."
Me: "Fuck me..."

And so the journey into this madness not only continues but it's taking me deeper into the rabbit hole. The last two months have been by far the worst of this whole cancer experience after it was deemed I had 6 tumors of various sizes in my brain. This, unfortunately, made me ineligible for any clinical trails. Plus, I would need to get this tumor situation resolved before I would be considered a candidate again. So, Brain Radiation therapy for a week...

Add on top of that a steroid prescription to help reduce the brain swelling and you have a very moody and jittery Duke. Now, as we close 2017 I've still not heard of any certainly of my participation in any clinical trails yet. The PET scan I received a couple of weeks ago yielded better results in terms of the tumors being reduced, but it may take upwards of 4 months for these things to be completely healed. That would mean almost 6-7 months total without any form of medication since the Opdivo was stopped in October. Plus, being on this steroid has certainly changed my mood as well as my looks. I'm feeling pretty low at the moment, but in hindsight I guess many battles have their ups & downs.

In hindsight, 2017 offered me a look into what steel I'm made out of, especially during my low moments. I've faced my own mortality and have accepted it, albeit I still worry about my young family and their well-being should I pass sooner than expected. But realizing that HOPE & FAITH is all we can cling too is enough to get me up again and continue the good fight. That and good friends that have encouraged me along the way.

To them I say a heartfelt Thank you.

And too you, dear reader, I wish you a prosperous 2018.
The Big Casino