Cancer Man Part I

Some of the hardest moments during this journey is dealing with my family. The burden of being a family man of two young kids while battling cancer can be overwhelming at times. And not just due to the side effects, but to the daily stress of having to satisfy their needs while I try to meet my own. Also, having my wife stuck in the middle of this whole thing adds to the grind. I feel an unending sense of escape. The desire to leave my home so that I can meet my needs as they come. To go out and heal, or die, on my own.



But I stay. Perpetually building my endurance in tolerating the ever increasing struggles that comes with family life. The brutal grind that defines every American male seeking the American dream. Shit, my life-long dreams seem to not matter when compared to the ultimate goal of surviving this disease. We are told that cancer is a major pain in the ass, but it's not until we personally undergo it that we really know where the pressure points are.



It is a general boiler plate experience when dealing with chemo and radiation. All of the side effects that come associated with them is just a normal physiological response of your body, so you just deal with it. But when it comes to the mindset: that deep-down bedrock you eventually reach when you undergo cancer can thin out your layers of self-identity. And that in itself is scary as you peek behind the curtain to see what is revealed. A black hole of emptiness as you realize that much of your life was lived behind masks. Like Frankenstein's monster, much of my psyche was made up of different identities that I used to hide my true self. Or perhaps this is my true self: a chameleon. A self preserving creature that blends into its surroundings, adapting as it moves from one environment to another. Or maybe I am the cancer. Ultimately evolving into the mutation that will eradicate these masks by condensing them into the single, burnt-out version that I am.



Fuck, that sounds depressing...

A dear friend of mine asked me last week what makes me happy. I couldn't answer her.

tbc