Progress is good, except in Cancer.

The little engine that could. The Tortoise. Civilization. All are great with Progress. Progress in achievement; progress in perseveration; progress in growth...

But progress in cancer sucks. Progression, that is.

My latest scans resulted in a less-than-favorable outcome as it showed that the old spot in my lung apparently progressed (grew). I say apparently because the technician's report also mentioned that it could be inflammation. The same exact results were reported in October 2018 (see blog Cancer Man IV) where that same spot was detected, albeit a little smaller. They believe that this spot is a tumor due to the apparent growth, or disease progression, yet it does not have the full-effect of metabolic activity a tumor would demonstrate, so inflammation should not be ruled out. Capiche?

tumor, inflammation, inflammation, tumor

It's all a clusterfuck really. I sat in that patient room in the belly of Cedars-Sinai for an hour seeing my Oncologist wrestle with the computers to pull up the correct images. The computer crashed twice, the final report for the brain MRI was not finalized, and my old files would not appear in the system. In the end, I wound up in a fog of confusion not knowing where my health situation was, plus a tweaked mental anguish upon realizing that I reached the peak of insanity.

It was bad. I kept thinking of my girls and how I would not see them grow. Feeling that I let my dreams die while giving life to those of others. Feeling a wasted life... In that hour I was coming to grip with the tragic brevity of life and how precious it is. A coming to Jesus moment.

Cutting through the confusion I set a mental plan of attack and figured out my next steps:

1-Fuck this Oncologist.
2-See Radiation Oncologist while at Cedars for his opinion on scan results.
3-Get Image disc of latest scans & reports.
4-Set appt with the Clinical Trial Oncologist. Give him latest scans.
5-Set appt with my #2 Oncologist for 2nd opinion.
6-Shot of whiskey and eat tacos. Fuck the diet.

All 6 steps completed. Next week I should be busy gathering much more information and evaluating my next course of treatment. There will be a lot to consume mentally, but I look forward in seeing things with a clearer head.

However, I've come to the point where I do realize where my priorities should be. And, if I do have a certain number-of-days left, then, they should be spent on the continued progress of my daughters' well-being & growth. On whatever endeavour I embark on, this should be of utmost importance. It is my creed, my sacrifice, and my duty. And this, of course, includes my own well-being. It's time for a change in my professional pace.

more to come...