I was lying on a cold surgery table in Ceders-Sinai getting a look inside my
lungs via a Broncos-copy. A few weeks before, my PCP had a chest x-ray after I
would not stop coughing bloody mucus. He had originally prescribed anti-biotics,
thinking it was a simple form of sinus infection, but after a small spot was
found in my lung he immediately had me consult a pulmonary specialist.
"What the
fuck" I thought... “… a spot?!” I had been very pro-active in getting
annual check-ups every year after I learned that my dad got Prostate C in the
early 2Ks. De-toxing, eating better, exercising... What the fuck is this spot?!
After the operation
was performed I anxiously awaited the results. There was definitely something
there, but the biopsy was ruled inconclusive, other that it is a Neoplasm that
was blocking my upper left lung lobe. Based on the Pulmonary Specialist it
didn’t seem that urgent to remove, but he did want me to consult with a
thoracic surgeon who should determine what exactly that mass is. Spoiler Alert:
Tumor.
“Holy Fuck! This is a
tumor?” I said to myself as the news started to settle in my brain. “What kind
of tumor? The Cancer kind?, The kind that spreads and eats your body up?”. The medical staff's response was the same. No idea, yet more tests were needed.
Needless to say all kind of pain & worry impregnated my soul that day… I was a 49 year old man with a young family. Vivian was not even one yet!!! And here I was about to face a cruel test of fate that would ultimately lead towards my potential young demise. My god…
The questions, the regrets, the apathy of living were beginning to swell as I darted my hands upwards for an answer. A quick response that would light up my mind and tell me that everything would just as easy settle back as to how they were a few days before. That this was somehow a bad dream that I would wake up from it any moment and shake off.
But it wasn't a dream, nor a nightmare.
This was anguish.
Needless to say all kind of pain & worry impregnated my soul that day… I was a 49 year old man with a young family. Vivian was not even one yet!!! And here I was about to face a cruel test of fate that would ultimately lead towards my potential young demise. My god…
The questions, the regrets, the apathy of living were beginning to swell as I darted my hands upwards for an answer. A quick response that would light up my mind and tell me that everything would just as easy settle back as to how they were a few days before. That this was somehow a bad dream that I would wake up from it any moment and shake off.
But it wasn't a dream, nor a nightmare.
This was anguish.
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