Thursday, June 30,
2016. 5:00 PM
This will be one of the hardest things I will have to admit. And while it is very unpleasant in doing so, I realize that by putting this content on paper will help me tremendously in dealing with my current health situation.
This will be one of the hardest things I will have to admit. And while it is very unpleasant in doing so, I realize that by putting this content on paper will help me tremendously in dealing with my current health situation.
My name is Alejandro
Meza, and I have been diagnosed with lung cancer.
There are still some additional test results pending before I know what type of cancer it is, or at what stage. But this still does not alleviate my mind into what great consequences I will be facing in the next week, or month, or year. But I have to, at some level, face this situation and realize that I’ve been dealt one hell-of-a curve ball that I would not wish on anyone.
This is especially hard for me to admit as having a family with very young daughters only adds to my stress, which is something I cannot afford to have since one of the best things I need at the moment is peace of mind.
Peace of mind… that is something we all, at one point or another, desire. But ever since I became a father I have placed myself in a very pressurized state of mind to make sure that I make the proper ends meet to take care of my family financially. Combine this with the fears every man has about his professional growth, family security, parents overall health state, children’s education, house bills, etc… I’ve slowly, but surely painted myself into this unhealthy corner without giving my health a rest. I’ve permitted my overall being to fall into disrepair emotionally, physically, and mentally, all for false reasons. And I’m beginning to pay for this with my health.
But, in hindsight, I recognize that I did take my role as family man seriously for the benefit of my family, so many of my actions were not in vain. But I do feel that I placed myself in a very negative wavelength to the point where I created an outlet for this cancer to come in. I began complaining more about my family, work, and all the other wonderful things that I should have been grateful for. Instead of giving thanks for them, I considered them burdens, and often thought how it would be better to be single, and alone.
And I was very wrong.
What hurts me the most is knowing I had these thoughts. Letting them rot in my gut and mind. The guilt & pain that I feel for devaluing the love of my family, the support of my coworkers, and the true friendship of those close to me is truly unbearable. But it is what it is, and now I need to face the bull by the horns and get myself over-all prepared for the coming unknowns.
As it stands, I’m still waiting for the final diagnosis from the Pathologist. Then, on to an MRI scan, plus PET scan, followed by a visit to an Oncologist. I expect that after the latest scans results I’ll be prescribed Chemotherapy, followed by Radiation, in the hopes that the tumor will reduce in size or better yet, go away. But I’d be lying if I didn’t express my fear over this whole situation. More so, for my family as I have no idea what to expect once I begin these treatments. Will my mood change? Will I be angrier? Will this put too much stress on my wife… and children?
I also fear for my income situation… How long will KLA keep paying me? Can I work from home? Will others want to continue working with me if I’m sickly? I guess I will never know until I reach that moment. But until then I will try to calm myself, expect the best, and hope for a miracle. At the very least, a miracle where I begin the steps of my cancer treatment by forgiving myself.
Step one…
There are still some additional test results pending before I know what type of cancer it is, or at what stage. But this still does not alleviate my mind into what great consequences I will be facing in the next week, or month, or year. But I have to, at some level, face this situation and realize that I’ve been dealt one hell-of-a curve ball that I would not wish on anyone.
This is especially hard for me to admit as having a family with very young daughters only adds to my stress, which is something I cannot afford to have since one of the best things I need at the moment is peace of mind.
Peace of mind… that is something we all, at one point or another, desire. But ever since I became a father I have placed myself in a very pressurized state of mind to make sure that I make the proper ends meet to take care of my family financially. Combine this with the fears every man has about his professional growth, family security, parents overall health state, children’s education, house bills, etc… I’ve slowly, but surely painted myself into this unhealthy corner without giving my health a rest. I’ve permitted my overall being to fall into disrepair emotionally, physically, and mentally, all for false reasons. And I’m beginning to pay for this with my health.
But, in hindsight, I recognize that I did take my role as family man seriously for the benefit of my family, so many of my actions were not in vain. But I do feel that I placed myself in a very negative wavelength to the point where I created an outlet for this cancer to come in. I began complaining more about my family, work, and all the other wonderful things that I should have been grateful for. Instead of giving thanks for them, I considered them burdens, and often thought how it would be better to be single, and alone.
And I was very wrong.
What hurts me the most is knowing I had these thoughts. Letting them rot in my gut and mind. The guilt & pain that I feel for devaluing the love of my family, the support of my coworkers, and the true friendship of those close to me is truly unbearable. But it is what it is, and now I need to face the bull by the horns and get myself over-all prepared for the coming unknowns.
As it stands, I’m still waiting for the final diagnosis from the Pathologist. Then, on to an MRI scan, plus PET scan, followed by a visit to an Oncologist. I expect that after the latest scans results I’ll be prescribed Chemotherapy, followed by Radiation, in the hopes that the tumor will reduce in size or better yet, go away. But I’d be lying if I didn’t express my fear over this whole situation. More so, for my family as I have no idea what to expect once I begin these treatments. Will my mood change? Will I be angrier? Will this put too much stress on my wife… and children?
I also fear for my income situation… How long will KLA keep paying me? Can I work from home? Will others want to continue working with me if I’m sickly? I guess I will never know until I reach that moment. But until then I will try to calm myself, expect the best, and hope for a miracle. At the very least, a miracle where I begin the steps of my cancer treatment by forgiving myself.
Step one…
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